I’m Letting Go of the “If They Don’t Reach Out, I Won’t Either” Rule
I’ve been thinking a lot about this unspoken rule we’ve all quietly agreed to at some point:
If they don’t reach out to me, I’m not reaching out to them.
And I think I want out.
Not because boundaries aren’t important.
Not because effort shouldn’t be mutual.
But because life is heavier than we admit, and silence isn’t always indifference.
Somewhere along the way, we turned connection into a scoreboard.
Who texted last.
Who checked in first.
Who waited longer.
We call it self-respect.
Sometimes it is.
But sometimes it’s just fear dressed up as pride.
Here’s the truth about me:
I get overwhelmed easily.
My brain is a running list that never shuts off.. appointments, deadlines, things I forgot, things I haven’t remembered yet. Days blur together. Time slips. I will open a message with every intention of replying and then get pulled into life, only to resurface hours or days later with guilt sitting heavy in my chest.
Sometimes I swear I replied.
Whole paragraphs typed out.
Only they never left my head.
There was a moment not long ago when someone gently said, “I didn’t know if you were upset with me.”
And it stopped me cold.
Because in my head, I had already replied. I had laughed at their message. I had meant to answer. I had carried them with me through the day.
But none of that translated into proof.
What they saw was silence.
And I realized how easily quiet can be mistaken for distance… how often we fill in the blanks with stories that hurt us more than the truth ever would.
The truth was simple: I was overwhelmed, not gone.
That moment changed the way I think about reaching out. Because I never want someone I care about to feel forgotten when they were never absent from my heart.
So when someone reaches out to me first.. again, and again.. I don’t see it as them carrying the friendship alone. I see it as grace. I see it as someone making room for my humanity.
And I want to be that person too.
I don’t want my friendships to be quiet standoffs where we’re both waiting to see who blinks first. I don’t want connection to feel like a test or love to feel conditional. I don’t want to miss people simply because we were both waiting for the other to prove something.
Because the older I get, the more I realize how much is happening beneath the surface.
People aren’t absent… they’re exhausted.
They aren’t ignoring you…they’re overstimulated.
They aren’t choosing not to care…they’re trying to survive the noise in their own heads.
If I go quiet sometimes, it’s not because you matter less.
It’s because everything showed up at once.
And if you go quiet sometimes, I don’t want to assume it’s about me anymore.
So I’m choosing effort without keeping score.
I’m choosing to reach out even if it’s “my turn” again.
I’m choosing softness over silent rules.
Sometimes one of us holds the weight while the other catches their breath. Later, the roles switch without ceremony.
That doesn’t make it unequal.
It makes it alive.
If you thought of me but didn’t text, you’re still welcome.
If I thought of you but forgot to hit send, please know the thought was real.
Maybe friendship doesn’t need better rules.
Maybe it just needs softer ones.
And maybe reaching out first isn’t weakness.
Maybe it’s courage.
Maybe it’s choosing love without armor.
So I’m letting go of the rule that says love must be earned by who speaks first.
I’m letting go of the silence that pretends to be strength.
I’m letting go of the version of myself that waits just to feel wanted.
I don’t want to love people from a distance anymore.
I want to love them out loud, even when it’s imperfect.
Even when I’m late.
Even when my reply lives in my head longer than it should.
If I reach out, it’s not because I’m chasing.
It’s because I care.
And if you reach out to me, know this…
your timing was never wrong.
You were never a burden.
You were never asking for too much.
We’re all just doing our best to stay connected in a world that keeps pulling us apart.
So I’m choosing softness.
I’m choosing grace.
I’m choosing to reach for the people I love——
not because I have to,
but because I want to.
because I know life is busy,
and I know everyone is carrying something.
just trying our best to survive.
🖤
-xx.
drae. ت
