First off let me say, I love to write and it’s helped me in ways to process things, but I am not a writer. I haven’t talked openly about this, but I feel for me to heal, move on and let go, I need to. Again, people say I overshare too much. But I’ve also been told me sharing has helped so many people. So it’s a win-lose situation, either way, you look at it. But to me, if I can help one person, it’s a win. I have always wanted to start a blog, I have always been scared of the judgement and all the things just holding me back. So I guess this is me finding my voice, speaking out and advocating for myself.
When I say not a lot of people know what’s going on in my life, I mean it. I am so selective with who I tell what to, that I know who told you if you know something.
This whole year has been a whirlwind for me. I’ve shared bits and pieces, but I’m about to share entirely, well maybe not exactly everything but a majority of what I’ve been going through. Grab some popcorn or a snack. We could be here for a little while. I’ve become so secluded. I’ve also become the forgotten about friend. The uninvited friend. The one who hasn’t been checked on in my darkest, brutal time friend. I’ve become used to that. and I’m honestly okay with it. I just don’t care anymore. Does it still hurt, oh absolutely. I don’t mean this harshly, but I believe in loyalty and meaningful relationships. I pride myself on being there for everyone. So it’s hard for me when it’s not given in return, why am I not worth this same energy?.. but that’s the thing, I am. I am wholeheartedly worth it.
So as I go through this timeline it may be a shock to some, some I’m close with & had no idea. Some had no idea at all. Some maybe had an idea but didn’t ask. I’m not sharing for sympathy, I’m sharing so I can release it & heal.
Where do I begin, I won’t get into the part of the story before this which added to part of my deeply rooted depression. There will be parts that I might leave out & minor things that seemed so significant in the chaotic time.
We will start here:
September 2020-January 2021 - I was drinking way more than I’d like to admit. Well, when I would drink, I just didn’t care, and it wasn't good. I was trying to numb the pain and ignore how much I was hurting. I would cry and just drink. I had fun meeting new people and making memories, but I was spiraling internally and it wasn’t good. There were times I would sit in the snow in the fields and just cry basically freezing but not even caring.. my heart was broken. I was trying to mask the pain. Nobody at all knew the pain I was in because I hid it so well. I was avoiding because that’s all I knew. So in the avoidance, I drank…a lot. In this time frame I was also “talking” (I guess that’s what they’re calling it nowadays) to someone new.
End of January 2021 - go to Cancun with work. Great time. Minus almost dying & being sent to the Mexico hospital. Get back & “broke up” with two days later by text from the guy I took with me on an all-inclusive paid vacation by my work. Lame. But we live & we learn. I was naive, used & an idiot for taking him. It’s fine.
End of February/March - Courtnie comes to Nebraska for my birthday. Started great. I was excited because I can’t remember the last time I celebrated my birthday, it’s never been a big thing. So it was nice to finally do something with friends. It ended up in drama & being ditched & trash-talked by my other friends while they drove around & talked about everything they hated about me.
Apr. 2nd to be exact, I had a plan, it was all good to go. I was determined. I wasn’t in the best mindset, my childhood trauma, the last three months & life in general just was weighing heavily on me & I was on my way to take my life. Crying in my car, driving to execute the plan.
I get a FB message from a friend someone I haven’t spoken to in a while. Asking me what I was doing & if I wanted to meet up with him & a friend & have a drink. I made up some excuse of how I haven’t eaten yet & tried to leave it at that. He insisted that we can get food & hang out. I then said oh, I just went through a drive-thru or something along those lines. Again, he said wanna meet at Bandits. I wasn’t sure at the time, but God definitely had a hand in that. So I turned my car halfway already out of town around, went through Freddy's & sat in the parking lot of Bandits with tears in my eyes, where we ended up meeting & talking. I’m not sure if he knows it but he saved my life.
April - I also ended up in the hospital (April 3) for seizures & had to move all in the same week. I moved out of my apartment downtown to my boss's back suite, in the hopes of my new downtown apartment being built and projected to move in Aug/Sept 2021. April I also sent in my molds for my aligners for Invisalign. So even though lots happening & I was checked out, I was trying to be positive.
May - 2nd week in went to ER. ER doctor wanted nothing to do with me, so that was fun. (I haven’t had the best of luck with doctors) end of may - go surprise Courtnie for her birthday & fly to Texas. Had a great time.
June 1 - flying back from Texas was a nightmare. We got switched to 3 different planes & deplaned the last time for technical issues. Then ended up getting canceled after like 1a, (I was supposed to be home at 9 or 10p) and ended up flying out at 7a the next day. Made it home, get home & Nala was missing in a 7,000sq ft building. Already haven’t slept for over 24 hours then stayed awake to try to find her. Couldn’t. Cried so much. I wasn’t okay. Started my aligners. Yay! Fell asleep on the floor with the door open, next to her litter box & a can of tuna. 12:22a she woke me up. Yay!! Read a text from my parents that my sister is being transported to Omaha because her pacemaker kept shocking her. Was extremely worried.
June - I was in a very dark place mentally. I wasn’t doing okay. It was definitely fake it til you make it. I tried to celebrate the small wins, even if it was just getting out of bed. I went to street dances to try to help, again drinking more to mask the pain.
July - GCA days, Wolbach days, lake days, I had lots of fun. It was hard, but I smashed all the pain down. Was asked to model so I did. That was fun. Those photos end up getting published in a magazine. I was excited. I thought I was getting better….
August - beginning hung out with friends but you can tell in all the pictures I’m just not there. Also reconnected, surprised & hung out with my favorite little girl. Had so so much fun.
August 28th/29th I end up dying. Had to be resuscitated 3x then taken to ER, seizures kept happening, and I was kept overnight. I slept for like 36+ hours. After that I struggled, every little thing I did took sooo much energy. I was so tired. The projected time of moving into the new apartment was this month, still not completed.
September - 1st, I was having a hard time understanding why I didn’t die, or why I was kept alive. I was so exhausted still. 9/2 Bosses had someone staying in the back room that I was staying in for an Airbnb so I had to move to the basement, that was exhausting. 9/5 & 9/11 got to hang out with my fav little girl again. Even though I was working a lotttt I was rocking school pictures & running/in charge of that entire department. Doing excellent in Real Estate. Was again trying to celebrate the small wins. 9/20 - I finally put an end to a very abusive past relationship that was still trying to find ways to control me even 8 years later. It was extremely toxic. It was a long time coming & I tried for so many years he would just find ways to weasel into my life.
October- 9th Courtnie comes to Nebraska again we have a great time. She leaves I visit my sick grandma to get my mail & am astonished & ashamed of what has transpired in HER house. Because of other people. End of October I get superrrr sick. I also finished my aligners & just have to wear a retainer to bed, yay!!! Also, see progress on downtown apartments, being said projected move in, possibly by March
November - 1st get super sick with covid. Get better though, and go back to work right at the end of my quarantine. It was exhausting & I overdid it for sure. It took all my energy to walk to another room.
Somewhere I think in this time frame (might have been October even) I met with Bosses for my review. Talked about things I needed to work on, like speaking up for myself & other things. things I was doing good. Etc. I knew I needed to work on headshots. I’d bring it up every time. There was a specific look I needed to be trained on. Not that mine were terrible. But not where they should be. I couldn’t ever figure out what I was doing wrong or different. I brought this up and agreed that she would make a “course/class” & we would review & go over things & meet every week. I was excited but spoke up (knowing how things are) I said that sounds great but unless we set things on the calendar & it’s scheduled, it won’t get done. When it comes to our business we always put it on the back burner & we always called it the stepchild in the basement. We laughed and agreed. & said we would meet again in 3 months to discuss & see where I was at. Sounds good. End of November - I’m driving & forget where I am completely. It all seemed foreign to me. It was really weird.
December- Ask my sisters to come in after work to practice on headshots. That goes well. I was confused. I knew mine looked slightly off & was frustrated because I couldn’t figure out why. But was still trying, while I was waiting for the “course” to be figured out. It had been a few weeks & nothing was done about that yet. 15th - start to see a new doctor in hopes to get some answers. 21st - lost all feeling on the left side of my body & had partial paralysis. Still don’t know what the cause of that is. Start lots of supplements to help jumpstart healing my gut health. I also started researching heavily about headshots taking the initiative to try to figure it out with the specific look/style I was supposed to learn, without spending money since I wasn’t sure what the course that was supposed to be created, I dove right in waiting for the course to be created. YouTube, webinars, online, blogs, etc. I was in it. Trying to learn & understand. Projected new move-in for apartments end of March.
2022
January - the beginning was a little chaotic with health issues. End of January: Courtnie comes to Nebraska. We’re having a good time. I end up in the ER and was released slept because of the medication they provided woke up & can’t come out of seizures. Back to the ER. My body was exhausted. I didn’t feel right. She ends up talking with my bosses & they come up with a plan to move me to Texas. I get out of the hospital Tuesday and am exhausted. Tuesday take Courtnie to the airport, Wednesday sleep all day. Wednesday night talk to my bosses about the Texas thing. They plan that we will leave that Friday. I was game. But still tired. Then realized I had to pack everything & was nowhere near close to ready for that. I was severely overwhelmed. Ended up not working out. I decided it wasn’t the best time to go that fast in 24h.
February - a lot happened here so bear with me - I was still trying to figure stuff out with my health. I started getting results back from some labs I had sent in. Ended up figuring out lots of things. Found out I’m allergic to alcohol, my body/liver doesn’t know good toxins from bad, so it redistributes the bad. Which would explain why I always felt worse when drinking. I am very close to being celiac. I am low on lots of Iron, vitamins b, d & some I didn’t know existed. Two of my b-enzymes one from each parent don’t work & are broken. (you have 4 total 2 from each parent) lots of other things. Was told they wanted to test me for mold exposure, ms, Lupus, & Lyme but due to financials I couldn’t run all those tests right now. So decided to hold off & start with the tons of supplements I was already advised to take. I also received a text & was also uninvited to a trip for March I was honestly really excited for, but because of the recent events of me being in the hospital in January, they no longer wanted me to go with. Understandable. But still sucked. I connect with a therapist & have my first meeting with her. She is great & I am forever thankful for her.
Second week of February - I ended up going to my bosses asking them if I could have the rest of February off so I could go see doctors, neurologists, and someone willing to help me to do all the things I needed to do to take care of me. Said “when I come back I’ll wanna hit the ground running with what I’m good at school pictures & real estate. I know I need to work on headshots but for my mental health right now coming back I’d love to focus for sure on what I don’t second guess & question” They agreed and said they were proud of me for speaking up.
A couple of weeks go by & they asked me to come in they wanted to discuss the apartment & my role coming back. Okay great. Even though I was living in their basement, I spent a lot of time with my parents due to health issues happening. I go in to discuss, it’s not really at all what we originally talked about. The headshot course that didn’t happen ended up being flipped that it was my fault for not taking initiative & having things set up where she could just come to look at what I was doing. It was extremely disappointing & I felt like a complete failure with how the conversation went. I was also frustrated that this course that in my first review I made a point & stated if it wasn’t scheduled it wouldn’t happen & I was correct. But for it to fall completely back on me & being told it was my fault. I was very hurt. Being someone who hates letting people down, I felt like I completely let them down & even though I was trying to do what I could. With what resources I had It didn’t seem like it was enough. I 100% took it to heart. We then discussed rent for the new apartment I’m supposed to be moving into & it is quite a bit more than I was originally told, anticipating & the reason I moved out of my other downtown apartment, which was disappointing. I was trying to justify it & figuring it out. I had money saved up but with the new doctor I was seeing wiped out my savings. She didn’t take insurance & was self-pay. My job role coming back was different than discussed & the breakdown of that wasn’t what I expected. I was overwhelmed by that. They told me they needed to know within a few days.
So I did some thinking & decided when I came back I just wanted to be full-time in what I was doing, the breakdowns weren’t what I was wanting on top of being part-time or seasonal. It wasn’t what was lined up for what I envisioned for myself & my role at work. I know I was struggling with my health & mental health & all of that but I am a people pleaser & didn’t want to disappoint anyone. But felt that was the best decision financially & for my role, I didn’t want to necessarily step down. Again, what I’m good at I’m very good at.
Also the middle of February I start my first-ever women’s Bible study, which I was very nervous about. I always felt like because I wasn’t raised in church & don’t know the Bible front to back or have it memorized that I wouldn’t fit in. Not the case at all. I am forever thankful for the ladies I have met, they are nonjudgmental, encouraging, inspirational, & so much more. I could go on & on about these ladies I have come to know & cherish & I am proud to call them friends. There were also plans for a “surprise” birthday party that was supposed to be planned for my 30th birthday in March comping up. Which ends up completely falling through & nothing is planned & again, I felt left out & that my birthday just wasn’t important.
End of February I connect with people from church & ride with them to Palestine, TX to the sister church of Abundant Life for a conference. It was amazing. I am blessed to know them & God brought them into my life for a reason. The conversations we had were great. The first night at the retreat I was 100% touched by the Holy Spirit & it was an experience I cannot explain & will never forget. My relationship with Christ has always been there but that ignited a fire in me. I was able to stay with Courtnie & even though I was busy with church stuff it was great to still see her. I wasn’t doing well with everything still but again, trying to stay positive. & I don’t think I realized even how dark things were getting for me. The new projected time for new apartments is June.
March - a lot happens here as well & this is where things seem to start to fall apart so bear with me. I’ll try to keep it short - I start back at work. My computer re-syncs to every Dropbox folder we have for clients so I couldn’t use it as the storage was full. I have to spend a lot of time un-syncing folders. Also was told to move & delete folders from Dropbox to our external hard drive to help free up space & utilize the external hard drive. This takes time. There are over 100 client folders. & I wanted to make sure everything transfers over before I delete folders, as it’s everything we have for the clients in these folders. Losing them would be detrimental. A couple of days go by & it’s odd, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing like I’m in limbo, everyone’s kind of confused at who’s scheduled for what since I have been gone for 3 weeks & now I’m back we’re all not sure. I felt out of place. It was strange. The energy was off. I felt like I was being avoided. I didn’t like it & wanted to discuss what I was feeling with my bosses & figure out what we could do. especially because it wasn’t normal for me to feel that way, I love my job & have always been there to help out when needed for the last 2.5 years.
March 8th - I reach out to a friend who also happens to be a local photographer expressing if she could help teach me headshots. I was thinking maybe I could learn something from how she does it because I was still trying to read, & learn everything I could. The class/course still had not been done so I was trying to take initiative to help myself & show that I was still taking it seriously. We set up a time to meet on Sunday & it went great. I was surprised with how simplified it was & how it went with ease. I didn’t have any problems & it was natural. I took her headshot. I have Bible study that Wednesday & I express to them my concerns with them about how I am feeling about work & being out of place, & all that. I was encouraged. I was advised to just speak to my bosses & let them know how I was feeling as it was weighing heavy on me. I go to work that Thursday the 17th we went out to lunch as a team. While at lunch a realtor texted my boss praising me for the photos I delivered the previous day. It was a very proud moment & redefined again, what I felt I was good at. It was a reassuring moment when I was feeling doubt. I needed that. I also was planning to try to talk to them after work but it ended up not working out. We don’t work on Fridays usually. So I said just give it the weekend... I am feeling off. I just had a very weird vibe. It was really really bothering me.
Sunday 3/20 - I move into my new place since the apartments ended up not working out as I anticipated. & it was very overwhelming for me after being so excited & wanting to still live downtown. But again, trying to make the best of the situation & getting a place. Reconnected with someone who means a lot to me & am very grateful for that. Monday I go to work it was a really weird vibe. It was very off. I wasn’t the only one who noticed it & commented on it..& at 4:30 get a text asking if I can talk after work. Great, this is what I needed. So we meet upstairs because people are hanging around at work chatting. Get asked how I’m feeling since being back, it’s been 11 work days… I openly express everything. Lay it all on the table. As hard as it was for me to do that, I figured nothing could be resolved if I don’t speak up & advocate for myself. Well long story short it ended up I was blindsided & unexpectedly let go & it shattered me completely. I cried a lot for the next several weeks.
April- I try to push my photography. End up having TONS of computer problems. Anything that could go wrong did. I started to self-isolate. Everyone stopped reaching out, honestly months before this even. I hit depression. Bad. I was trying to stay positive. But my life felt like it was completely falling apart, I was grieving & I was sinking. I was trying to stay with church & Bible study because I needed the encouraging atmosphere. 4/30 - went wedding dress shopping with one of my oldest friends, it was awesome & emotional to see her pick her forever dress & I can’t wait to celebrate with her.
May - hung out with my fav little girl again all day. We had lots of fun. Still in therapy. I then start going to Holistic Healing for “chat.” I’ve never been but was interested & intrigued. It was a way for me to get out of the house, socialize, meditate, & learn more about all things self-healing, energy work, etc. I tried Acoustic Vibrational Therapy. Joining them was good for me. I’ve met some wonderful people through that. & it’s helped me on my healing journey. End of May - drove for the first time 12h to Texas for Courtnie’s Birthday. Had so much fun. Minus the severe migraine, my paralysis, & not recognizing where I was or who I was with for a short period.. but managed to get it under control. We had the best crawfish boil & great time. Also have been spending more time with someone who means a lot to me, and who continues to encourage me even when I’m a mess.
Even though I was struggling I was trying to take the right steps forward. Which is where I’m at now. I’ve been on this self-healing journey. I’m finding what lights my soul on fire.
I’m not sharing any of this for pity & it’s only a small part of what’s happened or been going on. I’m not sharing because I want attention. Trust me when I say I left out lots of things. & yes even though these bad things kept happening &
I was at my breaking point. I never gave up. I’m sharing more or less because you truly never know what someone is going through. I’m sharing because even if it helps one person hold on to hope. I’m sharing because it’s helping me to release it & not hold onto the hurt, pain, guilt, & shame I’ve felt.
& maybe nobody cares. & that’s fine. Maybe nobody will read this. That’s okay too. In my darkest, loneliest, depressing time I found out who cared, & who didn’t. & believe me, I’ve cried tears over lost friendships/relationships wondering what I did wrong, why I’m never invited or included, what happened, & why I’m always forgotten about. It’s very hard to deal with all that. I’m choosing peace. I’m not going to try to force myself, where I don’t feel wanted. I don’t have space for any of it anymore & I’m letting it all go.
If you made it this far, thank you for sticking around.
Even though I’m still figuring it out, through all the chaos, there is healing.
Xo.
Drae
